Sylar, live long and prosper.

November 19, 2008

When I was in grade school, I was Captain James T. Kirk. The little girl down the street, of course, was Yeoman Janice Rand. We jumped out her bedroom window to simulate the transporter and matchbox cars served as our Type I phasers and communicators (I had no idea then I’d one day have my very own Motorola flip-top communicator). Star Trek was on every day at 3:00 and I rushed home from school to watch it for many years to come. But I wanted more adventures, and soon Kirk and crew debuted on the big screen wearing pajamas and Klingons wearing bumps (the opener of that first flick with the Klingon cruisers was almost as good as the Star Destroyer opener in Star Wars…almost.). And still more came. Kirk had to face his most feared enemy, Khan Noonian Singh, embarrassed by having to wear his glasses (I’m allergic to retinox5). Reverend Jim converted to a Klingon. Spock got to be hippie and save the Whales. Kirk finally met God and found out, much to his dismay, it wasn’t William Shatner. And we finally got to hear Captain Baron von Trapp’s Klingon descendant recite Shakespeare as it was meant to be heard, “taH baH taH beH!” (I’m sure someone will correct my Klingon). And still more came. We had to start using acronyms to keep it all straight. When TNG premiered, I was so excited for a weekly dose of Trek that I completely overlooked that the melodrama of TOS had just been replaced by cheese. I was sure Trek was ruined when DS9 premiered, but Worf came along and saved it. However, by the time VOY showed up, Trek burnout was starting to settle in. I was so apathetic about Trek when ENT was in prime time, that I couldn’t even find myself caring that the captain of the ship looked liked he was always smelling a bad fart. Not even TNG movies were spared the trend. They started as pleasant as a mild cheddar, but ended up like a stinky old camembert. And so I was ready for Trek to die. Wondered why it didn’t. Thought maybe it should. And then J.J. found Sylar…
'Star Trek' Trailer
‘Star Trek’ Trailer

I keep reading that J.J. Abrams’ reboot of Star Trek is going to respect the original spirit of the classic show’s action and adventure. I have to tell you that I’m a little leery of this. Without the real Jim Kirk, is there really a chance that we’ll be treated to such wonderful childhood memories again? After all, let me ask you, what did Jim Kirk teach us all about being bullied? How to fight back! There was no need to spend large sums of money on Karate classes when you could get a weekly (or daily syndicated) dose of Jim Kirk Kata. Let’s examine some of the finer moves of this grand master. You can watch these videos with the sound on, but I suggest you turn it off not to get distracted. Trust me, it is much more of a Zen experience this way.

Off the Wall

The Roll

The Projectile

The Kirk Chop

OK that was Bones, but you know where he learned it.

The Shirt Rip (turn the sound on for this one. The music is too good to pass up)

OK not a move per se, but always good if the ladies are watching.

And last, but not least, the Flying Double Chest Kick. The video is long, and a good watch if you have the time to study and learn all those awesome moves, but you’ll want to skip to time index 220, 505, and 620 to see the master of all Kirk Kata moves.

Now, let’s watch the mother of all Jim Kirk fights. If you have the time to learn just a few moves, this is the video to watch. Learning these few moves will get you out of any situation where your life may be threatened by slow moving lizards and flying boulders. Essential stuff. If you’ve watched the other videos with the sound on, you MUST turn it off now to properly enjoy.

J.J. Abrams and Chris Pine, if you really want to recapture the childhood magic of such action and adventure, I think you know what you need to do.