Whoa, Captain! What a rug!

November 8, 2008

Have you ever seen this book on the physics of Star Trek? Come on! How can you write a book that explains the physical laws of uncreative writing? Listen, I can live with explosions in space, dogfights in space, and spaceships “screaming” through space, the classic mainstays of Space Opera, but they are backdrop not plot devices. I just can’t hear anymore trekno-babble! If you ever get the opportunity to write for Star Trek, forget about wasting your money on that book. Here’s a crash course in Star Trek physics: Make up a cool sounding name for your new “particle”. Connect it with “subspace”. Finally, throw in something about “warp”. For instance, at a particular point in the story where you want to hammer in a plot device, have a character yell, “Our scanners have lost them! Their engines are leaking virtron particles, which have caused subspace fractures that are distorting their warp signature!” It’ll work, trust me.

There was this one episode of the Next Generation where (according to the official web site) a molecular mishap brings Picard and others back as 12-year-old children! The problem: (again according to the official site) they were affected by a molecular reversion field. The Solution: Use the transporter to reverse the effects. How hokey is this? I’ll bet that book doesn’t explain this one, and if it does, I’d hope it could explain a few other mysteries to me as well. For instance, if this field is a molecular reversion field how come their uniforms shrink to fit them? In the future, does cotton shrink in both hot water AND molecular reversion fields? Or maybe someone will authoritatively tell me that in the 24th century clothes are made from biological agents and therefore can be affected by molecular hokeyness? If that were true, then I’d expect the uniforms to revert to a younger version as well, not shrink. I’d expect Picard to materialize wearing an oversized uniform, but in the beautiful mustard-yellow of Captain Kirk’s gray poupon shirt instead. Maybe even with a rip down the chest and a bloody slash for good measure. Ah, it doesn’t matter how hokey it is, because we can just use the transporter to make them old again. For some reason, though, they can’t use the transporter to filter out disease, mend broken bones, remove cataracts, or take the hair off Picard’s back and put it on his head!

Energize! Whoa, Captain! What a rug!

Historical note: yes, I did edit and recycle this post from an old blog I once kept, but it’s dead now and I find my rant too clever not to use again 🙂

I keep reading that J.J. Abrams’ reboot of Star Trek is going to respect the original spirit of the classic show’s action and adventure. I have to tell you that I’m a little leery of this. Without the real Jim Kirk, is there really a chance that we’ll be treated to such wonderful childhood memories again? After all, let me ask you, what did Jim Kirk teach us all about being bullied? How to fight back! There was no need to spend large sums of money on Karate classes when you could get a weekly (or daily syndicated) dose of Jim Kirk Kata. Let’s examine some of the finer moves of this grand master. You can watch these videos with the sound on, but I suggest you turn it off not to get distracted. Trust me, it is much more of a Zen experience this way.

Off the Wall

The Roll

The Projectile

The Kirk Chop

OK that was Bones, but you know where he learned it.

The Shirt Rip (turn the sound on for this one. The music is too good to pass up)

OK not a move per se, but always good if the ladies are watching.

And last, but not least, the Flying Double Chest Kick. The video is long, and a good watch if you have the time to study and learn all those awesome moves, but you’ll want to skip to time index 220, 505, and 620 to see the master of all Kirk Kata moves.

Now, let’s watch the mother of all Jim Kirk fights. If you have the time to learn just a few moves, this is the video to watch. Learning these few moves will get you out of any situation where your life may be threatened by slow moving lizards and flying boulders. Essential stuff. If you’ve watched the other videos with the sound on, you MUST turn it off now to properly enjoy.

J.J. Abrams and Chris Pine, if you really want to recapture the childhood magic of such action and adventure, I think you know what you need to do.